I Choose Life

When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. ~Brene’ Brown

A little while ago I asked on social media what you guys would like to read about here. I got “your journey”, “the stories behind your tattoos”, “the night everything happened, it’s time”. Truth be told, I’ll happily share about all of those things. That last one though, I’m not quite there yet. Trust me, I know how healing sharing the hard shit is. I’ve done it for years with those close to me, and I plan on continuing to do it for years to come. I decided to talk to one of my friends, a fellow widow, about sharing all the things and she told me I would know when I was ready. So I’m sticking with that. She also suggested me sharing my journey of how I got to where I am now, 10+ years of being widowed, and giving insight on how I chose to live life, really live, all those years, to other widows or people that are grieving. I loved that she thought I should share my perspective, except I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring things out daily and constantly learning what it means to live. I do know what worked for me, because I’m here and even though I’ve stumbled hundreds of times, I think I’m doing a pretty good job at living this life.

Let’s rewind to a decade ago, when my life derailed off the tracks. The day after Jeff died, I vividly remember telling my sister I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. Just go to sleep and never wake up. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live, I just didn’t want to relive that night ever again. Every time I closed my eyes, it replayed like a bad movie over and over and over, in hi-definition no less. In that moment, she told me “don’t say that! We can’t lose both of you”. In my mind, living was my only option. Not for anyone but myself. It never crossed my mind that I had another option. I chose to live my dash (that little line between birth & death) and do things I never would have before. By no means was I completely reckless, I just stepped way out of my comfort zone and chose life. I have lived more in this last decade than I did in my prior 30+ years. Before, I let fear talk me out of doing things and was sometimes only an observer on the sidelines. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, just a lot of fears. I took a cue from the way Jeff lived his life and decided experiences would win over fear. I have the harsh reality of knowing life really is too short to let it pass you by.

All those years ago, my mom told me I needed to allow myself to feel every emotion as it came up. Feel it, sit in it, process it and let it go. I never went through the denial stage, because every morning I woke up knowing he wasn’t there and exactly what my reality was. That forced the acceptance stage. He was gone and this was my life now. Bargaining came in different forms, off and on that first year. I’d be lying if I said I could pin point when I went through the depression stage. Sometimes I think that one still lingers. Anger, that bitch unpacked and moved right in. For a long time I was super angry. Like throw things, scream at the top of my lungs angry. Angry with Jeff, angry with life, angry that my life was forever changed but others could seemingly move on, angry with happy people, just plain angry. It would hit me in the most inopportune times, then it would be over in an instant, making me question who the hell I was. Hard truth, you NEVER stop grieving. It comes in waves when you least expect it. You learn to cope with this new way of life. The stages of grief or the “grief ladder”, don’t go the way all the books or articles say. You might feel all of the stages, some of them or an entire different array of emotions you didn’t know were possible. Just when you think you’re climbing that ladder, you fall back three steps. You’ll climb two more and fall back one. I struggled with navigating life as a widow while trying to figure out who I was outside of this relationship, all while trying to protect other people from feeling my pain. Which was silly, because my pain was theirs and vice versa. I had to learn to let people be sad and grieve with me in order to heal and find our way back to happiness. It’s a learning process for all involved. Your journey is yours to walk and I can promise you won’t walk it alone as long as you are willing to let others fall in step beside you. Which brings me to my insight/advice..

Share. Share your story. Be vulnerable. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, all the highs and lows. Just share. But only share with those worthy of holding that space for you and truly listening to your story with an open heart. I’ve learned this the hard way and shared with people that have used parts of my story against me. Those people weren’t worthy, something I’m still learning. My people have held space for me more times than I can count, because I still openly share.

Wander. Get out and explore. If that means travel, book the trip. If it means going to the park to walk barefoot on the grass, then go. Grabbing ice cream for dinner, get it. Whatever it is, say yes! I’ve road-tripped alone, vacationed with friends, tried my hand at multiple hobbies, took Jeff’s ashes on adventures with me (totally normal if you ask me) and made so many memories. I plan to continue to wander while I figure out where I truly belong. Because settling in this life isn’t an option. I want to fill my heart with so many adventures that I have endless stories to tell.

Document. Journal, take pictures, record videos or voice memos, get tattooed, write and just document your journey. Do this part for you. Words are tremendously healing. I have journals I wrote in that first year that I still haven’t gone back to read and I don’t know if I ever will. In fact I’ve considered having a bonfire, throwing them in and letting them go. But, I’m so thankful I wrote it all down. My tattoos document my journey through the process of getting to where I am now and they’re constantly being added to.

Love. Fall in love with your life, with yourself and with others. Allow love at every opportunity. Let there be no shortage of love being poured into you and pouring out of you. Whether it comes in the form of family, friends, pets or a new lover, let it in. I have always loved big, but now it’s what leads me. I love harder than I ever have, because I have lost. If you love someone, anyone, ALWAYS tell them and show them. It could be the last time. Remember to tell yourself too, at least once everyday. Because some days you might not feel it, but it’s there and we just need reminding. Like I said in a prior blog, “if you show someone you love them every day, you don’t have to say goodbye”. Love comes in many forms, share it. Open your heart. We aren’t meant to do life alone.

Forgive. This was a hard one for me. Forgive yourself first and foremost, for thinking you’re crazy or not where you should be in this process. Forgive your situation. Forgive your partner for “leaving” you. Forgive your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Forgive people for not understanding the way you may be choosing to walk this journey. This is unchartered territory for you and everyone around you. Allow others to forgive you for not being yourself and above all, give yourself grace.

Connect. Form bonds with as many people as you can. Let people support you. Allow yourself to receive everything you’re willing to give and more. Seek out other widows. These are the only women that can truly grasp what you’re going through. Their story isn’t going to be the same, neither is their journey. But they have the closest understanding of what it’s like to lose the person we chose to spend the rest of our lives with. These women will be your biggest cheerleaders and you will be theirs. Hold space for them. For some reason most choose not to share their story because it might upset someone else or we feel like we aren’t supposed to talk about it. Encourage the sharing and the connection, we’re sisters in this.

Trust. Trust this process. We didn’t choose it, nobody signs up for this. Trust that your journey will absolutely have bumps in the road, with what seems like no end in sight, but finding yourself will be your most beautiful adventure.

Photograph. Just take the damn picture. No this isn’t like the document advice above. One of the biggest things people say they wish they had more of when someone dies is pictures. Even if you have thousands, you’ll wish you had a thousand more. You’ll never feel like you have enough. This means you get to be in front of the camera also, not just behind the lens. Because as much a you’ll want pictures of your loved ones, they want them of you. I have so many pictures I’ve taken over the years that I look back on and am instantly thrown back into that memory. New friends, old friends, family, pets, loves, nature, adventures and so much more. So quit worrying about looking perfect, your soul will radiate, hand the camera over and just take the damn picture.

Laugh. At every opportunity, even when you feel crazy, let yourself laugh or surround yourself with people that make you laugh. We all know laughter is good for the soul. A couple days after Jeff died, I told my sister I didn’t know when I would ever laugh again. She told me I would, that it just might take a little while. Well it only took maybe two days. I was in the bath zoning out, unable to muster the energy to actually bathe, and at the expense of my sister in law (I’ll spare her the details), the three of us laughed. Through tears, we gut laughed. It felt good to laugh, even if it was a brief moment, it was reprieve from the darkness I was feeling. I found humor in things some might feel were dark, maybe even demented, but it was a huge part of my healing. I let laughter in, without guilt. I absolutely love laughing and making people laugh.

I’m sure there a tons of other bits of advice I could give, but I’m no expert or professional. I simply want to share so you know you’re not alone. These are a few things that worked for me. Whether you’re ready to go on this journey or not, you’re in the drivers seat, take the wheel and embrace it. Because this journey isn’t about the destination, it’s up to you to enjoy the ride.