Today is the first day of 2020. Not just a new year, but a whole new decade. This morning I reflected on this past decade and decided to share. I’m going into 2020 still living and being brave with my life.
2009~ My first year as a widow. To say I had no real direction is putting it lightly. I danced and drank and travelled my way through the first half of the year. Partied like it was 1999. I searched for myself and only found a small part of her. I made a bucket list this year, my first ever, because I was determined to LIVE. I also got my sweet, sassy little Rolo. She was my baby and perked up my old girl Hannah.
2010~ Lost my Hannah girl. Road tripped some more. Set some pretty big goals for myself. Accomplished some, also didn’t accomplish some. Went to my first prom. Had no interest in high school and I just know I appreciated it a million times more as an adult. Sprinkled some of Jeff’s ashes.
2011~ Decorated my first cake. Started painting. Moved out of the home Jeff and I shared and into a place of my own. Both heart breaking and freeing at the same time.
2012~ The year of cakes. At least one a month, if not more. I’m not sure where I found the time. Swam next to a sea turtle. Colored my hair brown (never again). Witnessed my baby sister get engaged and married.
2013~ Continued painting and baking. Started making then selling Duh-Nail Polish. Clearly I’m a girl that likes a good craft/hobby. I absolutely loved making polish! Began my first workout program ever. Witnessed my big sister marry the love of her life.
2014~ Sprinkled the remainder of Jeff’s ashes in the same place I sprinkled the first. Did a boudoir photo shoot, trying to empower myself. Started rockin’ the Mohawk (the hair I was always meant to have). Got to be part of another photo shoot, this time with 3 of my favorite littles. Handed out care packages to the homeless with the help of so many.
2015~ Ended a toxic relationship and rediscovered who I was. Road tripped some more, finding my inner joy again. My light had been dull for far too long. Did another boudoir photo shoot, this time I was definitely empowered. Learned to actually enjoy working out (it’s like magic for anxiety). Did our second Lung cancer walk. Adventured my little heart out.
2016~ Set some even bigger goals for myself. Got to witness my last niece being born. Turned the big 40.
2017~ The year of new beginnings. Again. New place to live, new car, new adventures. Made a new bucket list. Adventured my ass off and finally found ME. Started sharing about widowhood outside of my own circle (it only took 9 years). Took my first big vacation without a partner and instead, with one of my best girlfriends. I let myself finally really live. Opened my heart.
2018~ Love found me. Got into the best physical shape of my life. Adventured some more. Publicly shared about my struggles with anxiety. Soaked up as much time with my dad as I possibly could. Celebrated my parents 50th wedding anniversary. Cut back to school hair for a group of underprivileged and homeless children. Shared our last Christmas together. Realized how badly we ALL need human connection, and just to feel heard and seen. Even strangers.
2019~ My dad lost his battle with cancer. Became a mentor I never wanted to be, but was always meant to be. I learned how to forgive again. Started therapy. Finally accepted that I’m an empath (something my mom has told me my whole life). Met a friend/sister whose journey is so similar to mine, we were destined to be connected for life. Started over, again. Learned that the heart needs the most work, the most often. I started blogging and sharing me. Adventured some more, with love by my side. Discovered that people will still love me even though I’m far from perfect.
This last year has been a year filled with every emotion my soul could muster. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. It has allowed me growth and to step into not only the new year, but every new day with a fully open heart.
“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make a choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” ~~Brené Brown. Choose courage. Always choose courage and get your ass handed to you, because you choose to LIVE!
Honesty, With Love 