Not just an “aunt”

Aunt: Friends that listen with their hearts.

Being a mom was never at the top of my wish list. Complete honesty, it barely made that list at all. Sure I’ve had moments where I felt that’s what I wanted, or was supposed to want, but my heart knows it was never meant for me.

A few months ago I shared on article on the socials, I’m not a mother, but I know love. That article is pretty spot on. I know this is a touchy subject for quite a few, I understand that, I truly do. We’re taught growing up that it’s what we are supposed to do. That as women we should have this inner most desire to be mothers. Trust me, I’ve heard it all… “you’d make such a great mom”, “who will take care of you when you’re older”, “you want to be selfish, that’s ok”, “one day you’ll change your mind”, “don’t you want a family”, “you don’t truly know love until you’ve had a child”. Although I’m sure those things are said with good intentions, keep it to yourself, it’s not your job to convince me what I want. Also, you have no idea what your opinions are doing to someone. Nor do you know if they’re struggling within themselves, or struggling with infertility. It’s 2019. At what point do we accept that not everyone wants children? When do we stop trying to force some old standards of what “family” means to you, individually, onto others? Well hang on, because we’re diving into all of that.

You’d make such a great mom. Right. I also make a great aunt. Being a mother isn’t going to make me love all the littles in my life any more than I already do. The love at first sight you feel when meeting your child for the first time, yes I know that. I feel that. I’ve been lucky enough to be present while nieces and nephews were born. I feel that complete elation when they’re excited or happy. When they’re sad or hurt and you feel a bit of your heart break? Feel that too. I don’t have to be a mom to know the love of a child. I simply get to love them.

Who will take care of you when you’re older? Probably a facility or my partner. Do any of you really have children for this reason? I most certainly hope not. Who chooses to place that responsibility on their child? Do most children automatically take that responsibility? Sure. But it’s definitely shouldn’t be a factor when you decide to have a child. I’d rather be that old aunt in a care center whose nieces and nephews sneak wine to.

You want to be selfish, that’s ok. Hell yes it’s ok. Because it’s my choice. Someone told me long ago that they think the people wanting a little version of themselves running around are the selfish ones, not us who don’t want children. I agree with him. I will say though, I do absolutely adore all the little humans in my life that are mini versions of my family and friends, turning into perfect versions of themselves. So thank you for being selfish enough to procreate.

One day you’ll change your mind. You’re right. One day I could change my mind. But I won’t. Minds change all the time, I get that. Things happen and your life takes a different path. But it isn’t your job to convince me that I want what you think I should have. It isn’t your job to change my mind.

Don’t you want a family? Since when did having a family equate to having children? I will never understand this thought process. My spouse and I are a family without children, just the same as you with children. Or the single mother/father and their children, still a family. That couple and their fur babies, yep, a family too. Family is what you make it. Plain and simple.

You don’t truly know love until you’ve had a child. This one gets under my skin the most. I know love more than I know anything else in my life. It is my souls driving force in everything I do. I know love, to the depths that some of you don’t. Because I know loss. I know the loss of my spouse, the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I know the love I chose to open myself up to again and again. To love with a ferocity that it could be gone in an instant. Trust me, I know love. My entire being is driven by it.

You have no idea how your opinions affect someone. For years I struggled with infertility. Years. I was never given a reason other than “unexplained infertility”. Unexplained. What kind of shit answer is that? I felt broken. Like something was wrong with me for not being able to give my husband what he wanted. Yes you read that right, what HE wanted. My young adult life I had a plan. Go to school, start my career, get married then about two years later maybe have some kids or adopt. Boy, do I know all to well, life never goes as planned. We were married for two years (according to my plan) when we decided to start trying for a baby. I got off birth control and within 10-14 days I was pregnant. Everyone says it takes months for your body to regulate after getting off the pill. We were shocked, happy and terrified! Life was preparing us for the unexpected. I made it to 9.5 weeks. We heard the heartbeat at my first doctor appointment. Two days later, the day after Thanksgiving, I was hospitalized with an ectopic pregnancy. While waiting for surgery, it ruptured and turned into emergency surgery with my life literally on the line. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I lost over half the blood in my body. They tried to transfuse me 3 times and failed. During this process they asked my husband to sign resuscitate or do not resuscitate papers and transfused me through my carotid artery (my neck). I survived, barely. The nurses referred to me as the Christmas Miracle. After a lot of healing physically and mentally, we were given the go ahead to try again a year later. I had a hysterosalpingogram and got pregnant that month. I was high risk, had tests every 48 hours, kept it a secret from most everyone. Every day I struggled with anxiety of another ectopic. I would pee and panic. Every single time. We made it to 11.5 weeks, announced it to everyone, had an ultrasound and there wasn’t a heartbeat. My doctor cried with us. He had just saved my life the year before. I miscarried four days later. Which no one tells you that you go through actual labor pains. Contracting, not just cramping. Dilating and everything. The doctor didn’t want to do a D&C because he didn’t want to cause more scar tissue since we were wanting to get pregnant. So I had to pass it naturally. We tried for the next 3 years. I got on fertility medication, tracked my ovulation, took my temperature. We did all the things. I didn’t want to be pregnant again, but I wanted to give my husband the child he always wanted. He decided the risk of losing me wasn’t worth a child we didn’t even know. We decided to look into adoption. We went the state route and took classes, got fingerprinted, then decided ultimately it wasn’t the direction we wanted to take. I sat down with my husband and asked him if he would be happy not being a dad and being “the” aunt and uncle. He said yes and we dove in head first to just loving on every child around us as if they were our own. He died a year later. See, I’m a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”. Remember above where I said sometimes your life takes a different path? The morning after he died, I looked right at my sister and told her I finally had my answer. This was the reason we never had children. In the midst of that sorrow and trauma, I finally had peace. Still to this day, I know in my heart being an aunt is what I’m meant to do.

Although you might think having children is the greatest thing to ever happen to you, be mindful that we all have something or someone that we feel is the greatest thing to ever happen to us and that doesn’t always mean the same thing to me as it does to you.

I’m not just an aunt. I’m a best friend, a confidant, a guaranteed hug, a secret keeper, and so much more.