‘Tis the Season

The holidays are hard. Stressors become even bigger and people tend to forget what the season is about. Then you witness magic in little doses and faith in humanity is fully restored. That’s only a little of what this post is about though. Yes the holidays are hard and stressful. Imagine going into them grieving, without a loved one, feeling completely lost. When you watch everyone around you celebrate the holidays with loved ones, but you’re missing yours, it’s hard. It’s even harder if you lost your loved one during this season. Not only are you heavy with grief, but you’re heavy with dates and reminders of what this time means to you. Pay attention. Empathize with those around you who might be dealing with triggers you know nothing about. Be understanding. Be a little dose of magic we all need.

This is the first Christmas without my dad. Last Christmas felt like it had a little shadow over it knowing it would be our last one with him. So we did our best to savor as much as possible. It wasn’t enough. I miss him terribly. Going into this Christmas I have so much anxiety and so much sadness. Sadness for myself and my family, but mostly sadness for my mom. I remember that first Christmas without Jeff and my heart aches knowing what my mom will be feeling. Well, my “first” Christmas I don’t actually remember. It was only 4 days after his funeral service and only 2.5 weeks after his death. I had just barely come back to the house to stay, a couple days before his services. I have zero recollection of what transpired that Christmas. I do remember a few days before his services, all the guys came and helped put up my Christmas lights and decorations. This time of year is so magical to me, it always has been. Jeff indulged me with lights, on lights, on lights. Bordering on Griswold style. So the brothers made sure it happened for me. See, anything sparkly makes me happy and giddy, just like magic, that’ll never change. I also remember the night before Christmas. My brother stayed at my house with his whole family, so we could all wake up together. Everyone wanted to fill me up with so much love to make sure I would get through. That is exactly what we will all do with my mom and for each other.

Fast forward a year, that’s the Christmas I remember (mostly). I searched for a way to honor Jeff while still celebrating the holidays. I looked on the internet and found some great ideas. I chose to still hang his stocking in it’s place. That morning when everyone arrived at my house, I passed around pieces of paper and asked each person to write down a memory they specifically had with Jeff and we filled the stocking. As we all sat (before or after presents, I can’t remember) we passed around the stocking and took turns reading different memories aloud. We laughed, we cried, then tried to guess which memory belonged to who. I recall my brother saying “who the hell had this bright idea”, through tears. We all laughed and I decided that would be the only year we did it. I only needed it that once. The following year, that stocking became my brother in laws, which he still uses to this day. I reminded my mom about this tradition and possibly doing it or something similar for my dad. Whatever she chooses will be perfect, even if she isn’t ready and chooses to do nothing. Healing is different for everyone.

This season is a long one for me with lots of dates that begin in October and continue through January. It makes it hard to be the magic, so I am always finding it in others to bring it back out of me, even in the smallest of doses. I put up my tree early, I listen to Christmas music on the radio or on my own playlist of favorites, I drive around looking at Christmas lights and order seasonal coffee, I hug a little extra and smile even when I don’t want to. I do my best to consider that crappy service at a restaurant or retail store isn’t about me. Maybe they’ve been treated badly by customers and finally had a lash out. Maybe just maybe, they are grieving or maybe the person that treated them badly was grieving. We never know what people are going through. Everyone has something. This time of year those somethings are even harder. Be mindful. Give grace. Be the magic.